the blog

I read this article by a colleague of mine, Mallun Yen, and it just blew my mind. Everything rang true, not only for me, but for every professional woman I’ve shared it with. It really made me question my thought processes and it has been so powerful, in fact, that I’m developing programs around it and taking them on the road.

Here’s what I mean…

At one of my recent speaking engagements for a group of high-level executive women in the same industry, I started by asking for a show of hands with this question: “How many of you have done business with someone in this room?” A significant number of hands went up, which made sense.

Then, I followed up with, “We’ve been here for 2.5 days. We’ve been eating, drinking, learning, spa-ing, and spending quality time together. How many of you have asked another attendee for something that could move your business forward?”

Only 3 hands went up. This would never happen with men. And it shouldn’t be happening with women.

This is the beginning of an overdue conversation, one we haven’t been having. The truth is women allow friendships to get in the way of business. This is a shame for many reasons but it isn’t atypical and it isn’t women’s fault because it’s how we’ve been socialized. Those facts, however, should not keep us from striving to change this dynamic.

Here is some food for thought:

• Men prove trust by asking for favors.
• Women fear they will betray trust by asking for favors.
• Men fear intimacy personally, crave intimacy professionally.
• Women fear intimacy professionally, crave intimacy personally.

For instance, when men hear that a colleague needs something, they race to provide the solution because that colleague then owes them. It becomes a type of currency. Women’s networks are (finally) rich with opportunity and it’s up to us to stop shying away and start taking advantage.

Here are some things we can do to activate and energize our networks:

• Choose appropriate networks. In a room of peers, there is no problem that should go unsolved. Someone should either be able to take action on your behalf or introduce you to someone who can.
• Have an offer ready, too. It’s not a one-way street.
• Keep your “ask” short, succinct, and specific. Don’t say you’re looking for referrals in an industry. That’s too general. Do your homework and name companies or people.
• Keep track of who helps and who doesn’t. If someone makes promises, but doesn’t act, you can still be friends, but move on because that person won’t make a good referral partner.
• Resist networking organizations with rules that discourage business development. (This is a pet peeve of mine and more prevalent among women’s groups.)The best organizations are those that set aside specific, focused time to make asks and offers.
• Don’t be afraid to say no or of being said no to. Just because it’s no today, doesn’t mean it’s no tomorrow.
• Keep practicing. It gets easier.

Don’t be an unwitting “Keeper of the Glass Ceiling.” If we cannot approach our friends, who know us and love us best and who are rooting for our success, who can we approach?